For a rough first draft it was okay. You don't really need the last bit with the large man's wife. The camera angles/freze frame was a nice touch. You just need a satisfying ending to round it off.
i thought it was really good, your writing is always of a good standard. Im slightly worried about these constant themes of violence against women you seem to have, i hope there isnt anything nasty lurking in your mind [img]tongue.gif[/img]
i think the bit with the large man and his wife doesnt really work, not in its present form anyways. It seemed like an anticlimax. I would suggest that you have something afterwards as the ending but then i think you might be getting further away from the crux of the story which is the whole mix up over the men.
For a rough first draft it was okay. You don't really need the last bit with the large man's wife. The camera angles/freze frame was a nice touch. You just need a satisfying ending to round it off.
yeah, untill the flashback, GRIPPING!
very nice.
well...
the first half was ok, but when the man started shouting it took me two more lines to think of that there was somewhere else in her house who wanted to do bad. So that wasn't unexpected. (and the voice over didn't help at all either, just cut that out, it's only 1 minute away, the audience will remember you know).
The knife in front of her face will be a good enough ending. Everything after that is just bad. When the knife comes out, we already know the man saw someone else in the house. It's just going on for no reason.
You might want to think of something less clich?d at the beginning. The whole bumping into a gypsy, who then knows your name and your future, and speaks in wisdom and riddles you only know the meaning of after you've experienced them... that's rather clich? don't you think? I know it HAS to happen, because it's the heart of this short. And it's your first draft of course, and everyone writes cliches in their first drafts. That's probably a fact. But just try and think of something better, cooler, original.
I mean, why can only gypsies tell the ******* future? Why doesn't the apple speak to her? Why doesn't the ******* gypsy say: hey, there's somone in your house, fool!
And you could do a lot of 'destiny' stuff in here, go all filosophical, because once you're going off with those future kinds of things, you'll get every philosophical aspect with it.
Hey there.
Cheers guys.
Well emjen I agree with a lot of what you said. I thought it could end on the knife... But I thought I would try and explain a little more. I guess its overwritten.
As for the gypsy thing Another idea was that it came via a mobile phone. Her mobile phone loses reception mid call and a strange voice gives her the vague info...
I'll see what its like when its written. But to be honest I have ZERO problem with clich?s.
I'll post the next draft in the morning.
Despin out.
Hey there.
I had an idea for a short last night and just finished the first draft. It's only 8 pages and as always I'm looking for opinions, comments and advice. Good or bad.
I'll admit it's pretty rough. I'm not sure about the ending (if it has one) If it?s very satisfying. Or if it even makes sense.
Anyway, If you have a few minutes please take a look and tell me what you think.
EXT. FOOD MARKET - DAY
A busy food market. Stall holders are busy trading their
wares with the swarming masses. A women walks towards us. She
carries several bags of shopping and has a loaf of bread
under her arm. She is ERIN WILKS (24).
She stops at a fruit stall and buys four lush green apples.
She puts three in her bag and takes a bite from the fourth.
Eating it as she walks.
EXT. BUS STOP
Erin stands alone. Traffic rushes pasts in both directions.
She finishes eating her apple and looks around for a trash
can.
She puts down her shopping bags and steps towards the bin.
She drops the apple core into the trash and turns back to her
bags to find...
A crazy looking old GYPSY WOMAN stands there. Erin almost
bumps into her.
ERIN
(flustered)
I'm sorry. I... I didn't see you.
The Gypsy Women hums happily to herself while rooting through
Erin' bags of shopping.
GYPSY WOMAN
Oh don't worry my dear... I am
always getting under people's feet.
Erin watches the old lady root through her bags in disbelief.
ERIN
Erm.. Can I help you?
GYPSY WOMAN
Oh no... I's fine.
ERIN
Erm.. Those are my bags.
Still rooting.
GYPSY WOMAN
Oh I know that...
ERIN
(confused)
Well could I have them back?
GYPSY WOMAN
Of course you can dear... They're
your bags.
The Gypsy woman takes an apple from the bag and stands up
strait. Her back creaks like an old chair as she gestures for
Erin to take her bags back.
Erin excepting the loss of an apple steps forward.
ERIN
Well... OK.
Erin picks up her shopping and continues to wait for the bus.
The Gypsy Women stands behind Erin. She takes out a tattered
old scarf and begins to rub the apple.
GYPSY WOMAN
You sure are a nice lady.. A real
nice lady.
Erin just nods and smiles.
GYPSY WOMAN (CONT'D)
Pretty too.
ERIN
Thank you.
GYPSY WOMAN
Now. Erin. That sure is a pretty
name.
Erin flinches. How could she know her name? She turns to face
her.
GYPSY WOMAN (CONT'D)
Erin Wilks... Yes. I like that.
ERIN
How do you know my name?
GYPSY WOMAN
Oh, I know a lot of things my dear.
A lot I should. A lot I wish I
didn't.
ERIN
(confused)
Right...
Erin turns back to face the road. She spots her bus.
ERIN (CONT'D)
Well... Here is my bus.
The bus comes closer. Erin steps closer to the edge of the
curb.
GYPSY WOMAN
I see your future.
ERIN
What?
GYPSY WOMAN
I see your future. You don't know
him... You'll be scared. But it's
not what you think.
ERIN
Excuse me? What did you just say?
Scared of what?
The bus pulls up to the curb. People get off the bus and
start pushing past Erin.
GYPSY WOMAN
It's not what you think. It's
different. But you are in danger.
Erin is looking flustered and a little freaked out. She
stares at the old women and waits to hear what the lady says
next.
People have finished getting off the bus. The driver waits
for Erin to make up her mind.
BUS DRIVER
You plannin on takin the bus today
lady?
She looks up to the bus.
ERIN
Yes... Yes. I'm coming.
Looking back to the old women.
ERIN (CONT'D)
I have to go.
GYPSY WOMAN
I know dear. Remember... Be
careful.
The old lady smiles and takes a bite from the apple.
Erin shakes her head, not knowing what to think...
INT. BUS
... she gets onto the bus and pays for her ticket. She takes
one last look back, but the old lady is gone...
She walks to the back of the bus and takes a seat.
The bus pulls away.
EXT. STREET - EVENING - LATER
Erin makes her way down the street and towards her home.
She notices someone stood in the window of a house on the
opposite side of the street. It's a LARGE MAN. He is looking
through a pair of binoculars at a house a little further down
on the opposite side of the street.. Erin's house?
It makes Erin uncomfortable. She starts walking faster.
The man notices her and starts knocking on the window. This
only startles Erin even more. She starts to walk faster.
He opens the window and starts shouting.
LARGE MAN
Hey.. You..
Erin looks up.
LARGE MAN
Yeah, YOU. Stop. Wait right there.
The Large Man steps away from the window and disappears into
the house.
Erin has no intention of stopping. If anything she's moves
faster. In the rush she drops her bags. Two green apples fall
out and roll across the floor.
As she picks up the fruit she remembers what the old women
said.
GYPSY WOMAN (V.O.)
Erin Wilks... Yes. I like that.
(beat)
You don't know him... You'll be
scared.
Erin drops the apples again. Now she doesn't care. She grabs
her bag makes for her house.
GYPSY WOMAN (V.O.)
You're in danger.
Erin looks back to the Large Mans home. The Light comes on
behind the front door. Seconds later the door opens. The
Large Man steps out.
He spots Erin moving quickly down the street.
LARGE MAN
(shouting)
YOU STOP...
Erin, visibly scared now is almost running. The large man
gives "chase".
LARGE MAN
(almost getting angry)
No. Wait.
Erin makes it to her from door. She roots through her bag...
Desperately trying to find her keys...
She finds them and puts them in the door.
The Large Man is at her garden gate.
LARGE MAN
Wait. Stop right there.
Screaming with fear Erin pushes her way inside and slams the
door behind her.
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE
She locks the door and puts on the latch. She stands with her
back to the door getting her breath back. The large man bangs
on the door behind her.
She screams and runs upstairs and into her...
BEDROOM
... She runs through the dark room and strait to the window.
She looks outside to see the man banging on the door and
shouting.
ERIN
(out of breath)
What the **** ??? Leave me alone you
freak.... I'm calling the police.
The Large man looks up to the window. Erin takes a step back
so he can't see her... She tales a few moments to get her
break back as the Large Man stops banging at her door.
Slowly and silently from the left of frame a large impossibly
shiny kitchen knife appears beneath her chin almost touching
her throat. At first she doesn't even notice... Until the man
holding the knife leans forward, out of the shadows and
whispers into her ear.
MAN
Now why would you want to do that?
Erin flinches, notices the knife and freezes in fear.
FREEZE FRAME: We begin to rewind back through the event of
the day. Right back to the old Gypsy women at the Bus Stop.
EXT. BUS STOP (FLASHBACK)
GYPSY WOMAN
I see your future.
ERIN
What?
GYPSY WOMAN
I see your future. You don't know
him... You'll be scared. But it's
not what you think.
ERIN
Excuse me? What did you just say?
We push into Erin's face, then into her eye. A tear forms. We
pull out to reveal we are back into Erin's bedroom. Knife at
her throat and stranger in her home.
Erin still frozen in fear looks out of the window and sees
the LARGE MAN walking away from her house and back towards
his own home. More tears fall.
EXT. STREET
The Large Man walks back towards his home. He turns around
and takes one last looks at Erin's home. He looks up to her
bedroom window. He can't see **** . He shakes his head and
carries on walking.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. LARGE MANS HOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK)
The Large man is sat in his living room watching TV outside
his window. Across the street, A man climbs the drainpipe of
Erin's house. He makes his way slowly to an open window.
LARGE MAN
Well would you look at this?
We see that another women is in the room with the Large Man.
His wife. She gets up and looks out of the window.
LARGE MAN
I better phone the police.
LARGE MANS WIFE
No.. Don't do that.
LARGE MAN
What? Why?
LARGE MANS WIFE
He probably forgot his keys that's
all... I can't imagine a thief
being stupid enough to climb a
drainpipe in broad daylight. In
plain view of the entire street.
They'd have to be completely nuts
to do that. Yeah... It's probably
just a guy who forgot his keys.
LARGE MAN
I thought it was a single women who
moves in there.
LARGE MANS WIFE
I don't know. Maybe it's her
boyfriend. I don't know. Stay out
of it. We don't need the trouble.
The Large Man reluctantly sits back down as the Man across
the street climbs through open window and disappears into the
house.
LARGE MAN
Well I'm going to keep an out for
that Girl who lives there... Tell
her what we saw... I mean if she
doesn't know I would hate for her
to walk in there unprepared.
LARGE MANS WIFE
Oh Larry... Any excuse to spy on
the neighbors...
(smiling)
Your binoculars are upstairs...
Despin out.
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ October 28, 2003 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Despin ]</font>
I like it... Ending it with just the knife would be too little info... I think you need some elaboration, but maybe not as much as you have now.
Instead of the knife man have the Gay Niggers from Outer Space in the house to eat the poor woman alive. Or something like that.
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ October 29, 2003 04:12 AM: Message edited by: assyrix ]</font>
How about this ending? I've just cut out the flashbacks and the scene with the large man and his wife, becuase it's not needed. Remember, sometimes less is more.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Despin:
MAN
Now why would you want to do that?
Erin flinches, notices the knife and freezes in fear.
EXT. STREET
The Large Man walks back towards his home. He turns around
and takes one last looks at Erin's home. He looks up to her
bedroom window. He can't see **** . He shakes his head and carries on walking.
i like it.
i think you could go either way with the flashback idea...some people would probably need it to explain the large mans behaviour...some not.
reminds me of the book "thinner" by stephen king....but ever since i read it, gypsies always do!
good work. [img]wink.gif[/img]
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